Priceless
by at-kb
Summary: After war. Renji should have known better than to agree to deliver a letter from Urahara. Especially if it was a letter to the Captain-Commander. Crack-esque! No pairings. *Spoilers for most recent Bleach chapters.*


Renji had only stopped at the Urahara Shop in the first place to get Rukia a new Chappy brand Soul Candy dispenser, since her old one had been broken. (To be more accurate, Byakuya had stepped on it. Renji wasn't sure if Rukia was more upset about it being broken or about damaging Nii-sama's foot, even though as far as Renji could tell Kuchiki-taichou was totally fine.)

Anyway, he'd just bought the dumb thing and been ready to head back to Soul Society when Urahara said, in his most suspicious innocent voice, "Oh, by the way, Abarai-san, would you mind bringing this letter to Soul Society? Since you're just about to go back, that is."

Renji had only taken the letter because he couldn't really think of a good way to say no. It wasn't until he was back in Seireitei until he realized that the letter was addressed to the Captain-Commander.

"Well, of course it's suspicious," said Rukia, crossing her arms. "But you were dumb enough to say you'd deliver it, so now you have to do it."

"I was only there in the first place because I was getting that ugly soul candy dispenser for _you_," Renji began, but before he could finish Rukia had snatched the letter out of his hands. "Hey, give that back!"

She held up a finger. "You won't know how fast you need to run unless you see what it says."

"What? You can't open that!" He tried to grab the letter. "Do you _want _Yamamoto-soutaichou to toast me—"

Rukia fended him off with one of her anti-Kon side punches and undid the ties holding the letter closed. "Nobody's ever going to know—" Her mouth fell open. "Renji, look at this!"

Despite himself, Renji sidled behind Rukia to read the forbidden text.

It said:

_Bill for services rendered July 15th - December 18th 2009_

_1. Creation of Tenkai Kecchu and successful swap of Karakura Town land with duplicate: 450,000 kan_

_2. Creation of Garganta to allow Gotei 13 entrance into Hueco Mundo: 200,000 kan_

_3. Creation and use of kido seal resulting in successful imprisonment of Aizen Sousuke despite his defeat of all Gotei 13 forces: 1,000,000 kan_

_4. Room, board, and healing for Shinigami in transient world: 150,000 kan_

_Balance due: 1,800,000 kan_

_If you have any questions about your bill, please call the Urahara Shop or send us a Hell Butterfly, 9 a.m.-5 p.m., Monday through Friday!_

"Okay," said Rukia. "So, after you deliver it, you need to run really, really fast." She handed it back to him. "Maybe ask Nii-sama for some tips on flash steps."

In the end, Renji had lurked in the bushes outside the first division barracks until he saw the Captain-Commander leaving with Sasakibe. Then he went in and put the letter into Sasakibe's inbox with as nonchalant an air as possible.

That afternoon, he was leading an ordinary training exercise when suddenly, in the distance, he saw what could only be described as a burst of fire tearing through the roof of the first division barracks.

"Don't worry, I'm sure that's just, uh, normal," he said to the anxious officers in front of him.

* * *

"Abarai," Kuchiki-taichou had said casually the next day when Renji arrived at work. "You will be traveling to the transient world again today. Please deliver the package on your desk to Urahara Kisuke and return immediately."

Now Renji was standing on a roof in Karakura town and wondering how fast he needed to run after delivering _this_ package. It was fairly big, and somewhat soft-feeling. Renji wondered if, when opened, it would turn into a giant squid or something that would devour the shop in one bite.

In the end, he just handed it over, a little unsettled by the way that Yoruichi and Tessai had both gathered around to watch as soon as he'd arrived.

"Ah." Urahara smiled and took the package. "I thought this might be the response." He neatly tore the wrapping and pulled out a folded white garment—a captain's haori.

"Oh dear," said Yoruichi, laughing. "But, Kisuke, you already have one of those."

"Hmm," said Urahara. He reached into a drawer, pulled out another letter, made a quick addition to it at the bottom, folded it again and handed it to Renji. "If you wouldn't mind, Abarai-san."

Renji took the letter with bad grace—he didn't appreciate having worked so hard to become a vice-captain just to be used as the Gotei 13's messenger boy—but then Urahara added, "And won't worry about opening it, Abarai-san. Curiosity is a natural impulse, and advantageous! In moderation." He spread his fan in front of his mouth. "Have a good trip, now!"

Renji took Urahara at his word and opened the letter as soon as he got back to Seireitei.

It was the same as the first letter, except at the bottom Urahara had added a few lines. It now said:

_Balance due: 1,800,000 kan_

_Account credit - haori, size M: 5,000 kan_

_New balance due: 1,795,000 kan  
_

_If you have any questions about your bill, please call the Urahara Shop or send us a Hell Butterfly, 9 a.m.-5 p.m., Monday through Friday!_

Maybe it was time to ask Kuchiki-taichou for a lesson in flash steps.

* * *

**A/N: **Please review!

I used the Bleach Wiki for reference on Soul Society currency, timeline dates and the stuff Urahara did. It's a great resource, and yeah, I do research for crack fics.


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